Sooo, some shit has been going down recently and I buckled…sorta. I didn’t kill myself, I didn’t try to kill myself I didn’t go on one of my famous walk-a-bouts where no one could find me for hours. I just had a short lived suicidal thought. It lasted as long as it took me to realize insurance companies don’t pay out if you off yourself. I’m nothing if not practical when it comes to money 
Went to the beloved shrink and had a nice chat. We didn’t talk about my mother, he pointed it out and laughed. She has a session devoted to talking about her in 4 weeks. I have too many issues when it comes to her, I don’t blame her for me being ill (unless we’re arguing and I blame her genes) we just don’t mesh well. Such is life.
I’ve got a brand new cocktail to try this time round. It’s kinda scary how excited I am about new drug combinations. I guess deep down I hope they are ‘the thing’ that gets me right and I’ll never have to worry about wigging out ever again. I’ve been mildly depressed the past few months with a manic episode thrown in for good measure. The mania wasn’t that bad I just wanted sex like crazy and didn’t get it which just made me plain irritable.
Things came to a head this weekend when my Other Half flaked out on me twice. I find comfort and peace in my routines and when he throws them out of whack it really hurts and messes me up for a few days. I need to make it clear to him that he can’t do this to me. It sounds selfish and it may very well be but if I’m given a heads up on a possible wrench in the works I can handle that and regroup and come up with plan B. I’m not a completely unreasonable bitch. My mother didn’t help things either, I truly detest when other people slather me with their un-happy moods.
While I was contemplating my sanity and occasional lack thereof last night I came up with the most nifty little phrase that sums up my feelings and the way I interact with most people. “Call me a bitch if you want. I love you but my sanity is more important to me than you current issues”. I have to try my hardest to try and not take on other people’s problems. It hurts that I have to detach myself from family and friends (mostly family) when they start talking about whatever is currently plaguing them. It’s not that I don’t care. I care too much and it is often my downfall.
I have a bad habit of absorbing the problems of people I love and letting them drive me to despair. I can’t do it anymore or I won’t last very long. I can offer the occasional shoulder or tidbit of wisdom if I’m feeling normal enough but some people can ruin that fast enough by injecting their drama into me. I must be careful.
Now for the fun part. The new drugs Lithium 250mg morning and night, Lexapro mg once at night and Seroquel 50mg once a night. The side-effects are a bit daunting but the good doctor says most are minimal. I do have a history of snagging a few of the stranger ones like hives,bruising and tremors from my previous meds but I just have to hold the faith and not give up when the cotton mouth and other annoying ones hit me.
I’ve got my handy little mood chart and all I need to do is pick up some toothpicks and blowpops and I’ll be ready for the battle of jaw clenching and cotton mouth.
Vive la resistance!!!!
BP-Bunny signing out 
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